October 2, 2020

[Misc] EXO - Mama Superpower Power Rankings

Careless, careless. Shoot anonymous, anonymous. Heartless, mindless, no one who care about me. Today we will be ranking all of the superpowers EXO showcase in their track "Mama." Why? Because I wanted to. Shitposters be shitposting.

#12. Baekhyun - Light
Now obviously having superpowers of any kind would be pretty sweet, but it's clear that one member got the real short end of the stick. Baekhyun's ability to control light is useful at best and hella lame at worst. Congrats, he can see in the dark whenever he wants. It simply pales in comparison to all the other effects.

#11. Xiumin - Frost
There's a handful of members with the classic elemental powers, and Xiumin brings up the rear with frost. Even though I despise the cold, I am justified in the placing near the bottom. Out of all the elemental abilities, Xiumin's is the most limited since he requires the proper environmental setting to be most effective. Even if it could work in a hostile atmosphere, frost would be less powerful overall.

#10. Luhan - Telekinesis
In fairness, we don't really see the true extent of Luhan's powers in the MV. He just moves some big marbles around in limbo. Telekinesis is certainly a versatile utility skill, but without knowing exactly how good it can be it's hard to rank it any higher compared to the other more established abilities. Seems like a very easy way to get out of shape by being lazy, too.

#9. Sehun - Wind
And now we get to the bulk of the elemental superpowers. Sehun's wind control is the tamest of the group (excluding the already mentioned Xiumin). Offensively, it's decent through causing tornadoes and dangerous winds, and you could argue it has defensive utility as well. However, the next couple of elements are far better offenses, and their potent offense doubles as a strong defense as well.

#8. D.O - Earth
All hail D.O. His earth powers be eternal. In terms of pure damage, I think the earth element is most potent. Earthquakes are some of the most devastating natural disasters to ever exist and being able to cause one whenever is undeniably strong. Quite appropriate for Satansoo to have control over such power. The only way it would've been more fitting is if D.O controlled fire. Speaking of...

#7. Chanyeol - Fire
Originally, I had Chanyeol at 8th. But after giving it some more thought (ha), bumped him up a slot. The reason being: utility. Not only is weaponized fire an established elite skill for both attacking and defending, but now you'll never go hungry (fantastic) or cold (double fantastic). Those are like the two status conditions I hate the most: starving and freezing. And you can perform a bunch of parlor tricks? And be a hit at gender reveal parties without setting an entire state ablaze? Sign me up.

#6. Kris - Flight
Movement is a key component of everything: real life, video games, fantasy. Having the ability to fly would be so clutch. You'd save so much money on gas and transportation. Not to mention that you can fucking fly. Really not much else needs to be said. Unfortunately, it offers little in ways of combat - outside of like dropping things on people from the sky like a bird shitting on cars - being more of a support skill, but it's still damn cool.

#5. Tao - Time
Another aspect that isn't explored too much in the "Mama" video, but you gotta think that being able to control time would have plenty of benefits. We've all had those moments where we wanted more time (except maybe not in 2020...yikes). Unlike Kris' flight, time control does serve some offensive purposes (though why hit when you can run). In extreme cases, perhaps this ability slows your body's aging, which would help both natural and unnatural issues with health.

#4. Suho - Water
Fire is the element I've always had affinity towards but everyone knows that water is truly the most incredible. Just look at Avatar for inspiration. Seriously, water control is insane. You can cause tsunamis and flooding for offense. You can flood away threats for defense. Thirsty? Conjure up some clean water. Dirty? Conjure up some clean water. While you can't walk on water like Jesus, you could part the seas like Moses. There's a reason this planet is 70% water: it's powerful.

#3. Chen - Lighting
If water claims to be the best overall element, then how is Chen's lightning abilities ranked above it? Well, because speed kills. I'm not a scientist, but I have deduced over the years that lightning is fast. Very fast. Chen would almost guaranteed win a battle royale between his mates, with but one survivor we'll get to later. That or everyone else would need to team up in order to defeat him. Nobody has reflexes that can beat lightning bolts striking you down. It's simply the best offensive superpower of the list.

#2. Lay - Healing
Very topical given the current state of the world, but yeah healing is kinda broken. Injury, illness, fatigue, it matters not. Lay the magical unicorn will solve all of your troubles. He would be a messiah to the masses, saving families and putting doctors out of jobs. Healing powers means an extended life, or at the least one without much worry for sickness and healthcare. Heal classes in videogames might be lame, but I assure you being one in real life would not be.

#1. Kai - Teleportation
Hands down the best superpower. It's busted. You can literally go from anywhere to anywhere in the blink of an eye. Even if there's a caveat of you having needed to physically been there previously it's still overpowered as fuck. Just buy a one-way ticket anywhere and you're golden. You can abuse this power for lawful or chaotic reasons. Never be late to anything ever again. Troll the shit out of people you know or hate. Steal from the rich. Cut lines. The possibilities are endless. Thank you for reading my thesis on EXO's superpowers in their "Mama" music video.

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